(GENEVA) – Secretary of State John “Lurch” Kerry reportedly broke his leg in a bicycle crash outside Geneva on Sunday, where he had been holding nuclear talks with The Islamonazi Republic of Iran’s foreign minister.
By the way, this was a bicycle – not a motircycle (other media are making it sound like he’s a biker or something).
State Department Spokesman John Kirby said Kerry is stable (so to speak) and never lost what consciousness he manages to maintain on a regular basis.
The accident occurred near Scionzier, France, outside the Swiss border, where a lot of the idle rich and parasitic government officials like to play. A paramedic traveling with Kerry’s motorcade (’cause he’s an old guy and all) immediately examined Kerry after his bicycle apparently his a curb, causing the fall, Kirby said.
Kerry was swiftly airlifted to Geneva’s main hospital before his New England elitist pride and ego could entirely drain away.
X-rays at the Swiss hospital confirmed that Kerry fractured his right femur. Kerry called off the rest of his four-nation trip and will fly back to Boston to preen. He should make a full recovery and is in good spirits, Kirby said.
Ending the trip means Kerry is skipping cocktails with Spanish leaders and a night of whoring around in Paris on the pretext of discussing the Islamic State group. Kerry’s cycling rides have become a droll theme of his useless diplomatic journeys; he often takes his bicycle with him on the plane.
This article is satirically embellished. Secretary of State John “Lurch” Kerry really did break his leg in a bicycle crash outside Geneva on Sunday, May 31.